Through some anonymous contacts I have in Congress and in the Obama administration, I have new information on the miscalculation that caused ticket-holders to get stuck in the 3rd St. tunnel or “Purple Tunnel of Doom,” thus missing the swearing-in. Today Sergent-at-Arms Gainer posted a message on Facebook apologizing for previously dismissing the ordeal as caused by the “bulky or puffy” coats that people wore to the event. What he didn’t tell people is that the “puffy” coats were actually a serious miscalculation in a pre-inaugural analysis.

Tonight I’ve gained a top-secret formula that the PIC used to estimate the number of puffy coats that could fit onto the Mall:

(VBF…s)(MC) + P(SCS”LoM” | SCGBAR)(EA) - 5,000AABWG + OTPR = PCQ

(1) PCQ = Puffy Coat Quotient

(2) VBF…s = Volunteers Bailed Factor…sorry

(3) P (SCS”LoM” | SCGBAR) = Probability (Stuck Crowd Sings “Lean on Me” versus Probability Stuck Crowd Goes Ballistic And Riots)

(4) AABWG = All the Answers But Wrong Guy

(5) MC = Mall Capacity

(6) OTPR = Outdoor Toilet to Person Ratio

Now, it turns out that the magnitude of AABWGs was underestimated by several times. This error combined with a very high VBF…s and way too many toilets to human beings on the mall seems to have been the primary reason for the incorrect PCQ and thus the Purple Tunnel of Doom.